The Invasion of You

... And again.

You wake up in a room you’ve never seen before. It’s small, wooden. The bed is comfortable if somewhat small; there’s a garish poster of an asian pop star in a language you can’t immediately read but looks like, you dunno... maybe Korean? Outside the window, unfamiliar trees wave in a gentle rainstorm. In the distance, you see clear beach.

You blink, confused.

Your whole world becomes television static, like switching channels.

You blink again. Your ceiling is above you. You’re in your room.

“ Wake up. “ It says, blinking sideways over softball-sized eyes with nictating membranes, gill-fronds gently undulating along it’s slender neck.

“ Ungh. Anh. AAAAAH!”

You sit bolt upright and scream. It all sinks in at once. That it’s there, in your room. It’s real. You fell asleep as the power fluctuated, and weird news reports were coming in from Florida and Morocco and Singapore when you could get TV or internet, but you never thought... you... You start hyperventilating, scrambling backwards in your bed.

“ (Told you we should have gone with the “ dead relative” program.)” another other one chides.

“ (Nuh uh. They respond best to the (universal altruist.) “
“ (You’re kidding. That thing depopulated something like half the species.) “

“ Nope. Fear, confusion, this is all part of the process.The ones from this era respond best to the “ Grey: Humanoid” program. They keep quiet but listen to what it says. They don’t tend to get locked up when we use this protocol.)”

“ Hey. Hey, your (neural) translators are on.” says a third.

The first says a word that isn’t quite “ shit” , and looks at a scanner-clipboard device.

You blink, holding your knees and shaking. There are three of them. In your room.

“ Greetings, human. I am the (ambassador/foreman).”

It says another word that you understand as meaning both things, although you’re pretty sure the word wasn’t even sound so much as a sensation of warmth and the smell of lilacs.

“ Stop speaking (our language.) You are (totally freaking it out.)”

“ (Damn it, you’re right. Where’s the (unintelligible) (synaptic) team?)”

“ (Sorry! We’ve got it online now.)” is said quite clearly by no one at all.

“ (Okay, Okay. Erase that, go again from one.)”

****

You blink again. Your ceiling is above you. You’re in your room.

“ Wake up. “ It says, blinking sideways over softball-sized eyes with nictating membranes, gill-fronds gently undulating along it’s slender neck.

“ Ungh. Anh. AAAAAH!”

You sit bolt upright and scream. It all sinks in at once. That it’s there, in your room. It’s real. You fell asleep as the power fluctuated, and weird news reports were coming in from Florida and Morocco and Singapore when you could get TV or internet, but you never thought... you... You start hyperventilating, scrambling backwards in your bed.

“ Greetings, human. I am the (chief/shaman).”

“ (No translation for that. start over?)” says the disembodied voice.
“ (No. We have a lot to coordinate. Just go from here. )”

“ I understand what you’re saying!” You scream, terrified.

“ Good. Good. It means we’ve chosen a good one. We have chosen you, human, because you’re the (best one.)”

“ I’m the best what?” you sputter, hoping not to pee. You suddenly don’t have to pee anymore. You’re starting to relax despite the complete insanity of the situataion- you, sitting upright in bed with three aliens in your room talking very calmly to you.

“ Human. You’re the best human.” Says the first, very matter-of-factly. “ Listen closely because we have a great deal to tell you.”

You shake your head.

“ I... I am not.. the best human.”

“ (This was in the manual. Their culture tells them to deny that although they all think it.)” Says number two. Number one nods at him.

“ Sure, you are not the fastest or smartest or kindest human. You are not superlative in any of your immensely primitive categories that you set out for yourselves. You will have to (trust/believe) us, or we can perform an (information dump) which is a risky prospect at the cortex level. A great deal of information at once into a delicate network.”

You mind forms the image of a dump truck dropping a ton of sand into a massive tissue. It starts to tear.

“ Let’s talk.” You say.

“ Good choice.” says number one.

Are you high? You feel a little high right now. Very mellow, slightly euphoric. What did you do before bed? You’re trying to remember. It’s not like you to get so trashed you wake up this way. In fact, you’re pretty sure you were completely terrified moments ago. You’re ready to hear this thing out. Everything changes today. Everything. You’re the first human being to talk to an alien. An alien! You’re going to be famous!

You immediately feel bad for thinking something so shallow, but reassure yourself you’re only reacting to normal human stimuli. Wait, what? Never mind. Damn, you feel good.

You sit up and blurt out your name.

“ What?” Says number one.

“ My name. That’s my name,” You announce, proudly. You point at it. “ What is your name? Do you have names?”

Number one smiles comfortingly.

“ Of course. I’m (sensation for the concept of God.)”

Number two angrily drops his scanner.

“ (God dammit. Seriously? What did high command say about that?)” He looks at no one in particular. “ ( Go again from best human.)” he points angrily at number one. “ (And no using our real names!)”

****

“ Human. You’re the best human.” Says the first, very matter-of-factly. “ Listen closely because we have a great deal to tell you.”

You shake your head.

“ I... I am not.. the best human.”

“ Sure, you are not the fastest or smartest or kindest human. You are not superlative in any of your immensely primitive categories that you set out for yourselves. You will have to (trust/believe) us, or we can perform an (information dump) which is a risky prospect at the cortex level. A great deal of information at once into a delicate network.”

You mind forms the image of a dump truck dropping a ton of sand into a massive tissue. It starts to tear.

“ Let’s talk.” You say.

“ Good choice, again.” says number one.

“ What?” You say. “ What do you mean, “ again?”

“ Never mind.” Smiles number one. You get an overwhelming sense of Deja Vu. Are you high? You feel a little high right now. Very mellow, slightly euphoric. What did you do before bed? You’re trying to remember. It’s not like you to get so trashed you wake up this way. In fact, you’re pretty sure you were completely terrified moments ago. You’re ready to hear this thing out. Everything changes today. Everything. You’re the first human being to talk to an alien. An alien! You’re going to be famous!

You immediately feel bad for thinking something so shallow, but reassure yourself you’re only reacting to normal human stimuli. Wait, what? Never mind. Damn, you feel good.

You sit up and blurt out your name.

“ What?” Says number one.

“ My name. That’s my name,” You announce, proudly. You point at it. “ What is your name? Do you have names?”

Number one smiles comfortingly.

“ Of course. I’m (Zrgl.)”

Number two nods at you. “ I’m (Qyg.) “

“ (Zaphrax)” Announces number three.

“ Wow. Those are... exactly the sort of names I would expect an alien to have. “ You feel incredulous, but you don’t want to press this issue.

“ We don’t have long, human. We need to tell you some things before we run out of time.”

You pause.

“ You aren’t actually here, are you?” You blurt.

You’re not sure how you figured it out. Your natural inclination in the modern world is to check for the strings, to deconstruct the special effects. Something’s going on, but it’s not sitting right. The three look slightly disappointed.

These things are acting weird- which you expect, they are aliens, after all, but weird in a very specific and familiar way. Qyg shrugs. “ Sure, ( tell it the truth.)”

“ We are here. But we are not what you’re seeing.”

“ What, are you morphed or something? Are your natural forms so horrific i would go crazy or something like that?” You ask.

“ No. You simply can not see our (natural forms.)”

“ What? Why not? You’re invisible? “

“ No, but we are not in front of you.”

“ You said you were here, though.”

“ We are.”

You stand up.

“ Stop being cryptic. What’s going on here, and what do you want from me? I want the truth. No more screwing around. I can handle it.”

They give each other worried looks, then Zrgl proceeds. He immediately changes shape and appears as a small, faceted sphere covered in gently waving cilia. The others disappear.

“ Pay attention.” They all say at once, as one voice. It’s not harmony, it’s something greater.

“ We will only explain this once. Humanity is a profound aberration. You never consider that you’re in the upper 90th percentile when it comes to size. How many earth animals are larger than humans? Whales, some fish, a few mammals- very little. Now- How many are smaller? The universe is not built for you, and your unprecedented size inefficiency is the source of a lot of your troubles. There have been no less that three hundred and twenty-two “ alien invasions” since the Toba Eruption seventy-five thousand years ago, most recently ours which has ended around when you perfected the color copier. You never knew we were there. You never even knew to look for us.”

“ You’re like... highly advanced viruses?”

You get the sense that they are slightly offended by that. You explain yourself.

“ I mean, you’re both microscopic...”

“ Sure. In the same way you’re like... highly advanced eels. I mean, you both have spines. “

“ Hunh? “

“ Never mind. We appreciate all that you’ve done for us.”

“ What? What did I do for you?”

It pauses.

“ Your body, and those of several dozen others in your test group, served as a laboratory for a new (hexwrenchvirusbuilder) technology. Thank you for your time and ribosomes. Now, listen, because this is massively important. It’s time for phase two, and we’re going to begin a (cellular breakdown) of your species. Trust us, this is for your own good, you need to do something for us to make it happen. WIthout a (cellular breakdown) the only possible outcome is a (planetary extinction event.) We need you to- “

It sinks in. You feel your stomach turn. You cut him- it?- off.

“ You’re... not... Here. You’re...in me.”

“ Yes. A (projection team) of approximately twenty million individuals are on your pupils and the backs of your eyelids, but the vast majority of us are working on your optic nerves and deep in your cortex.”

“ Hhh... How many? Doing what?”

“ (Researchers?) About seventy-five billion, not counting workers in the (private sector), (government), (food service), and (sanitation.) Things like that.”

You throw up.

“ That was NOT necessary. Do not do that again. Millions died thanks to your little stunt...”

You throw up again, rushing to the bathroom. You heave into the sink and in the cold blue light of the room reflects your face in the mirror. You blink, and although it’s probably psychosomatic, it feels scratchy. Your eyeballs itch. Blinking at your face in the reflection, you see lights dance over your own pupils where they are projecting the images you see. They’re in your eyes. They’re in your ears. Your brain. Lying to you. Creating what you see and do and feel. Seventy-five billion, more in your head than there are human beings on earth, alive or dead. You breathe harder, clutching the cold, hard sink. The room is getting smaller, and dark.

“ (Take it again from one.)”

No! No, fight it, you can’t lose the memory of... whatever this is?

“ No! What do I need to do!? What’s a cellular breakdown?”

“ Don’t worry. We’ll do (plan B) instead.”

Shit! Shit! Shit! They’re going to do that thing again!

“ What? What the hell is Plan B?” You scream at your own reflection, eyes shining.

“ None of your concern. We must have miscalculated.”

“ NO! NO! NOOOO!”

****

You blink again. Your ceiling is above you. You’re in your room.

“ Wake up. “ It says, blinking sideways over softball-sized eyes with nictating membranes, gill-fronds gently undulating along it’s slender neck.

“ Ungh. Anh. AAAAAH!”

You sit bolt upright and scream. It all sinks in at once. That it’s there, in your room. It’s real. You fell asleep as the power fluctuated, and weird news reports were coming in from Florida and Morocco and Singapore when you could get TV or internet, but you never thought... you... You start hyperventilating, scrambling backwards in your bed.

“ Greetings, human. I am (Zrgl.)”

“ I understand what you’re saying!” You scream, terrified.

“ Good. Good. It means we’ve chosen a good one. We have chosen you, human, because you’re the (best one.)”

“ I’m the best what?” you sputter, hoping not to pee. You suddenly don’t have to pee anymore. You’re starting to relax despite the complete insanity of the situation- you, sitting upright in bed with three aliens in your room talking very calmly to you.

“ Human. You’re the best human.” Says the first, very matter-of-factly. “ Listen closely because we have a great deal to tell you.”

You shake your head.

“ I... I am not.. the best human.”

“ Irrelevant. It’s time for phase two, and we’re going to begin a (cellular breakdown) of your species. Trust us, this is for your own good, you need to do something for us to make it happen. WIthout a (cellular breakdown) the only possible outcome is a (planetary extinction event.) We need you to-”

You suddenly remember what these things are. You start to tear up and feel your stomach heave. You try to throw up, but you dry heave over the edge of the bed.

“ We’re losing control” Says the other one, which you somehow know is named Qyg. You also somehow know that a cellular breakdown is a pretty literal thing, involving a lot of people- everyone on Earth- melting into a massive genetic slurry to somehow save mankind. You’re dizzy. You need air. Your confusion rivals your fear and it gets harder to breathe. You lay back and gasp because you know they’ve already started on you, inside you, changing you, and you cant stop it...

“ (We were too clumsy, (sensation for the concept of God,) we’ve got a total neural breakdown here. It’s looped too many times. It’s rejecting the program. )”

“ ( Fine. We go with (plan B.) Go with the new memory program- like it just read the whole event as a science fiction story online. A whimsical distraction written by a friend. Do it quick before it flatlines. Go from the next time it blinks.)”

“ (Three...)”

“ (Two...)”

“ (One...)”

“ (Go.)”